A New Year

It's been hard to get back into writing again. Once too much time goes by, there's too much to tell about all the little things that Mariana does to amaze and astound.

We went to visit Grandma and Grandpa Carlson in Florida over the New Years holiday. Mariana has officially nicknamed them "Gummy and Paka". Where those names come from I have no idea but that's what she's going with. Paka won big points by always having pretzels at the ready and Gummy giggled away as Mariana ran around in circles for her amusement. It was warm enough the first couple days we were there so were able to go to the beach. M was then obsessed with it thereafter, even when it 45 degrees. Agua! Agua! Agua! anytime we passed a body of water. It's convenient that she loves the beach because we do too.

Recent milestones:

Reaching up and opening doors

Talking more everyday and starting to repeat without prompting
Pulling off her own socks
Putting things in the garbage, including stuff that doesn't belong there
Understanding "please"
Her first fat lip thanks to a wipeout on the kitchen floor
Requesting a song to be played for her ad nauseum- the current obsession is "The Hello Song" from the Putumayo cd

Mariana got multiple sound producing toys for Christmas. There is a dog that sings Christmas songs and a sheep that plays a banjo and sings "Thank god I'm a country boy". As you can see in this youtube video below she wants them played continuously and in unison from the time she gets up until she goes to bed including when she eats. She also anticipates when they are going to turn off and asks for us to turn them on again before they even stop, lest one second should pass without a racket. And to add insult to injury she makes US press the on button even though she knows perfectly well how to do it herself. It's just the beginning, I know, I know...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWdH5mCX7-I

see this picture of my beautiful wife and daughter, happily on the plane ride home

Goodbye Mom, I love you

Today I said goodbye to my Mother. In a time full of difficult moments it was very difficult to hear my niece reading out the grandchildrens' favorite memories of Nana. It made me realize more clearly how Mariana will never know her. That's so hard to comprehend. How is that possible? She'll never get to taste Nana's pizza or make cookies with her. Mariana's more aware everyday and such a delight to be around and Mom will never get to see that. She won't see her first missing tooth or her graduation or her wedding. Mom bought her some gifts on the last day she felt well enough to go shopping. She was loving and giving right to the very end. Mariana will never even know what she's missing and that makes me saddest of all.

I was feeding Mariana the other day and it made me think about my Mom feeding me and I wept. I stare at Mariana so often with a wondrous drunken haze of love and admiration, like how can there be such a perfect creature? Did my Mom look at me like that? Holy cow, that's powerful. I can hear Mariana making noise in her sleep just now and it makes me smile. On a day like today, probably the worst day of my life, that little girl can make me smile and forget everything for a moment. Is that the way my Mom felt about us 7 kids? Does she know how much I really loved her back? It's easy to have regrets and think about all the opportunities I missed to express it.

click here for 2 silly new videos that cheered me up and I hope will cheer you up as well:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bC5L1eL3xZg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dgCOhHtC_gw

Four Oh

So a few words on turning 40. Turning 30 was not the greatest time for me. We had just moved to Chicago and although it was new and exciting it was a lonely time. I had thought that by 30 I would have been a lot more "settled" in a career for lack of a better word. I was happily married but it was tough at times for us as the only real friends we had in town were each other. It was just like when I went to high school and had to start over again making friends. Well it didn't really happen in high school and it didn't happen in Chicago. Oh well, I learned one very valuable thing: that NYC is where I feel at home. I think I also felt like I should have accomplished a lot more by 30 than I had. By 40 however, I've managed to check 2 very big things off the life list: we bought a home and we have a child. I often wish that I didn't have to judge myself against other people- that I could just be happy with who I am and what I've been able to do in life. Being a father to such a wonderful daughter and 10 more years of marriage and being a landlord should be enough right? Could I make more money? Yes. Could I be on a better career track? Without a doubt. But I've done the best I could and right now it feels like everything just fell into place. On the cusp of my 40 th birthday I feel pretty damn lucky.

Mariana continues to astound. This week she learned some more body parts: arms and legs. She takes our fingers and points to different things in the book so we can say what they are. She's finally getting the gist of the tooth brush- that it's not just for clanking around in the cup- that you actually are supposed to smush it into your teeth a bit. We also put a solution of hydrogen peroxide mixed with water into her ears at night as per her doctors instructions. She now knows its coming and slumps willingly to one side to accept it. She asks for Mommy in the morning and when I say she's sleeping, Mariana puts her little folded hands up to her face to show sleeping. She is a genius.

Rest in Peace Joe B

Today I said goodbye to my dear Uncle Joe B. He will be missed. I like to tell people how I modeled my "Uncledom" after him as the funny Uncle. I knew I had graduated to adulthood when Joe B included me in on the dirty jokes. My in-laws still make me repeat Joe B's "disappearing leg" gag, complete with it's own theme music. So today we went to say goodbye and Mariana had the chance to meet some more of the extended family. I makes me sad to think she'll never know how much fun Joe B was.

Here is a little Mariana video to brighten your day and a link to the full video on youtube. She's learning more words every day. Her top favorite of the week is definitely "Mommy". and I swear it's not planned that she's wearing that dress every time I bust out the video camera. -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0jkRjstn_I

Random thoughts

Mariana is from Colombia. How is she really going to know it? Sure we'll take a few trips there someday. I would love to go now but I have no vacation time to use. I'm still getting used to being an employee. It's a grind right now, this time of year. There's a long stretch without a 3 day weekend. Working blows. I want to hang out with Mariana and listen to her little voice develop. She has perfected the pronunciation and usage of the word "no". Shocking right? It must be nice for her to finally get her point across. Each day we hear a new word, today's word: hole. She waves and smiles at herself in the mirror. She can climb onto the ottoman. She's getting good at feeding herself with a spoon. It's hard but sometimes I have to let her fling oatmeal all over the place. She's learning, sigh.... Grandma stayed over 2 nights last weekend. It was fun to see Mariana light up in the morning when she came downstairs to see her. I'm not sure who got more excited though, her or Grandma.

Check out this video. I made a ghetto toy for my baby girl- a Clementine box turned into a sled. Watch as Mariana slides around and at the end implores me to acknowledge her bear (yes, that is what she's saying)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqO8VhmfMis

Spongegirl Scratchface

I can't list all the things I see Mariana learn every day. I've heard people say that kids are sponges for learning and I'm just discovering what they mean. What did she show me this weekend? She knows what a bear is, she can point out flowers and birds in a book, she can even say "sushi" for petes sake. Hilary called me this morning to tell me Mariana's been learning sign language from the video she puts on as a nail cutting distraction. Of course this is all very exciting and and bone chilling at the same time - What else does she understand?! Yikes, guess we have to start s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g things, that parental habit that used to annoy the crap out of me. Although it's probably a few years away it makes me wonder when she'll ask about where she came from. It will never be a secret to be revealed to her on her 18th birthday but rather something we'd like to deal with organically; addressing her questions as they come up. I'm trying not to let it become a big deal in my head so that when the time comes she won't get a panicked look from me.
We had a "date night" out together, just Hilary and I. We went out for dinner in Williamsburg and then walked around looking in store windows. This was supposed to be our hot night out. What did we used to do before Mariana? Movies and drinking and partying 'till dawn? Well, maybe a few times but not for a long while. I have been thinking lately about how it's good that we're already old and boring so the transition to parenthood has been easier.This is Mariana with a mouth full of clementine and a few scratches on her nose from a faceplant on the playground. She's still getting used to the new feet

Sharing

Mariana is such a sweetheart. She wants to share everything. She always goes over to the cat to offer the ball to her. She's undeterred by Green's anti socialism. Yesterday she was really looking into my eyes and talking. Who knows what she was saying but she really meant it. I can see her awareness growing by the day. The way she looks at my lips when I'm trying to get her to speak looks like she's really concentrating. I tried to get her to say "queso" and she came out with something like "kaykoo". Ehh, close enough, I know what she meant.

We went apple picking a few weeks ago. Mariana was into it a little, until she plopped her face into a pumpkin stem- then not so much. That's where these photos come from, Stuarts Farm up in Westchester County, NY. Next year she's going to be physched to run around the pumpkins and eat cider doughnuts and pluck apples from the tree.

Mariana is also sporting her Yankees sweatshirt for the first time - thanks again to Greg and Deb.