Mariana has a way of tearing my heart out. That thumbsucking pushes my buttons terribly. I can't help but feel the sadness and mourning of her loss: the loss of contact with her birth parents, her foster parents and foster brothers and sisters. For "regular" kids you would rejoice at putting them in the crib for the night and having them roll around a few times to go to sleep. For Mariana I can't help but think of her rolling around in a crib in her foster home hoping for someone to come pick her up and hold her and maybe rock her to sleep. She looks up at me from her crib with those big dark eyes and it feels like she is staring right through me. I wish I knew what was going on in that brain of hers. Does she want to be picked up and comforted? Is she testing me to see what I'll do, or whether she can trust me? Am I failing by not picking her up and just sitting close by as she rolls around moaning, not crying, just sort of babbling and playing with the crib bars and sucking her fingers? She occasionally will roll onto her stomach, prop herself up with her arms and stare out at us on the bed and smile before lying back down. Smiling right? What could be wrong with that? Am I so conditioned to think that babies are so incredibly needy that this must be abnormal behavior? Perhaps I want her to fuss and cry so that we can sooth her and feel like we are special and not just the people who are taking care of her now. Perhaps. I wonder if she knows that we totally love her unconditionally already? That we would do absolutely anything in the world for her for the rest of her life? I guess I wonder... does she love us yet?
I know this is a lifelong process and that I need to be patient. I also know that some answers will be forthcoming and some will not. This is just a snapshot of my neurosis at the moment.
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3 comments:
Hi again,
If it makes you feel any better babies just all do that whether you have brought them home at 5 days old or not. And they will test you over and over. Just do what comes naturally and she will soon know she is one lucky baby. Don't know anyone who has brought home a new baby at just a few days old that has been given so as much love as you are both giving that lucky girl. And you are both lucky to be getting such a cutie and sounds like very curious litte one. Chalk up one for the Brooklyn Verni's.
Love Mom & dad V
What a beautiful family!! You two are doing a fantastic job. I just love reading your blog...it brought back memories to bringing the twins home. Every parent questions their abilities as a parent, and quite honestly none of us know the right way to do it...there is no "right way". There is just what is right for you. You can put 20 awesome parents in a room and none of them will do things the same way. Even with four kids...the things that worked well for Matthew and Connor didn't work for Andrew. We're still learning!!
My advice is to trust yourself and continue the things that work and drop the things that don't! And Joe...remember Mama is always right!!
We can't wait to meet Mariana! Let me know when you are home...I crocheted her a "rubber duckie yellow" blanket and I want to mail it to you.
Love you guys!
Judeanne
Hey Joe & Hilary,
I agree with the other posts. You have to do what feels right to you. It doesn't take long for you to figure out what is right for you and your baby. Mine are all surviving - and doing very well. Kudos to Hilary - that maternal instinct is kicking in - and once in a while Dad knows best.
Enjoy every minute!!
your cousin, Michelle
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